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and some scenes which some
viewers may find upsetting.

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WOMAN ON RADIO: The sound
of Northamptonshire is...

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MAN ON RADIO:
BBC Radio Northampton!

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MUSIC JINGLE

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PRESENTER: At seven o'clock
<font color="

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for Northamptonshire,
I'm Phil Gabbitas.

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Police are tonight searching
wasteland outside Kettering

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00:00:23,880 --> 00:00:27,760
following the discovery earlier
today of human remains.

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The body has yet to be
formally identified,

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<font color="

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that the discovery is likely to be
connected to three other murders

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in the county, thought to be
the work of the so-called

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"Lonely Hearts Killer".

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A telephone number for anyone
calling with information

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<font color="

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It's 01632 960011...

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DOOR ENTRY UNLOCKS

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SMOOCHY MUSIC

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COMPUTER CHIMES

20
00:01:00,800 --> 00:01:02,960
Oh, hello!

21
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Hi.

22
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Took me by surprise.

23
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I know, yeah. It's weird, isn't it?

24
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<font color="

25
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You go on.

26
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I was going to say,

27
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I don't know if we're allowed
to say our names.

28
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Yeah, no, I'm not sure, erm,

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cos the email said we had
to keep things anonymous,

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what with everything in the news.

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<font color="
you're more likely to be killed

32
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by someone you know than
a complete stranger,

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so let's live dangerously, shall we?

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I'm Edgar.

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You don't have to tell me
if you're not comfortable.

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Erm, Vicky.

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<font color="

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Nice... Nice to meet you, too.

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Erm, so have you done
one of these before?

40
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I've done one in real life
where you go along a line...

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IRL. Sorry?

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Sorry, that's...
<font color="

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Yeah, where you jump along
one every five minutes.

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It's like musical chairs. Exactly.

45
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Though mine was more like
"pin the tail on the donkey".

46
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Anyway, nothing really came of it,

47
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so I thought I'd try this.

48
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<font color="

49
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So am I.

50
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So, what do you do, Edgar?

51
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I'm a landscape gardener.

52
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I do designs and planting -

53
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basically, the kind of thing you
see on the Chelsea Flower Show.

54
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I love that.

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I've never been, but I...
<font color="

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on the TV and...I've always
really loved gardening.

57
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Really? Yeah, I put it
as one of my passions.

58
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Well, that's a good start.
What else is on that list?

59
00:02:32,440 --> 00:02:34,840
Well, that...that would be
<font color="

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I've got to keep some
of my feminine mystique!

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Absolutely right.

62
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So, how big's your plot?

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Sorry?

64
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Your garden.

65
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Do you want me to come round
and give you a quote?

66
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Oh, it's a...small patch.

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<font color="

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Sounds great. I love a window box.

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So, how about you, Vicky?
Do you work?

70
00:03:02,040 --> 00:03:04,120
Yeah, I'm a carer. I was...

71
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I was a carer, and now I just do
a little bit of volunteering

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at the local charity shop,
<font color="

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And do you have a family?
What's your situation?

74
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Oh, I've got a brother who...
moved to Canada a while ago,

75
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and he's got two little girls now,
so I'm an auntie.

76
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Cool. Whereabouts?

77
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Winnipeg. Yeah, I'm going to
<font color="

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once he gets settled.
How long's he been there?

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Six years.

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Anyway, tell me more about you,

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cos I'm wittering on.

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Like I say, landscape gardener.

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I golf occasionally.

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Er, music-wise, Dire Straits,
<font color="

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Oh, I love them.

86
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What's your favourite album?

87
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Greatest Hits, probably.

88
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Anyway, Vicky,
it's been lovely to meet you.

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Oh, no, we've still got a minute.

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Well, 55 seconds.

91
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That's...that's half
<font color="

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And you never know,
I might be the one.

93
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Of course, but, erm, if you
go shopping for a new sofa,

94
00:04:05,800 --> 00:04:09,800
for example, you don't just buy
the first one you see, do you?

95
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You sit on a few first
to get a feel for it.

96
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<font color="

97
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You know? And some can
be sleek and...hard.

98
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And some can be fluffy
and comfortable

99
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and last you a lifetime.

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True.

101
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Anyway, good luck.

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I hope you make it
to Canada someday.

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<font color="

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It's been... It's been really
nice chatting to you.

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You, too. I've really enjoyed it,

106
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and it's been good practice
for the next one.

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SMOOCHY MUSIC

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DOOR INTERCOM BUZZES

109
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Hi.

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<font color="

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I'm really glad you came.

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SMOOCHY MUSIC

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COMPUTER CHIMES

114
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Right, victim number two!
Good evening.

115
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Hello there.

116
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This is weird, isn't it?

117
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Could you sit up for me, please?

118
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<font color="

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The lighting is very poor your end.

120
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Is that deliberate? No.

121
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Erm, maybe if I tilt...
the screen back?

122
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Is that better? Marginally.

123
00:05:24,440 --> 00:05:27,960
Now, I have a brief checklist,
<font color="

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Always best to have a plan,
I find. So, you are...?

125
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Well, I thought we were supposed
to keep things anon...

126
00:05:34,840 --> 00:05:37,000
Vicky.

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LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

128
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Victoria.

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Age? Well, is that...?

130
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<font color="

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I know you fillies like to shave off
half a decade if you can.

132
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No, I'd rather not say.

133
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Erm, I'm as old as my gums

134
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and a little bit older
than my teeth.

135
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LAUGHS

136
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I'll...put 58.

137
00:05:54,720 --> 00:05:56,680
<font color="

138
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No, I'm not comfortable telling
you that at the moment...

139
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For goodness' sakes, do I
look like an axe murderer?

140
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I just need to know if you have
direct transport links to Kettering.

141
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Is, yes.

142
00:06:05,560 --> 00:06:06,960
Well, that's fine, then.

143
00:06:06,960 --> 00:06:08,960
<font color="
in the order you like,

144
00:06:08,960 --> 00:06:10,520
but I'd like to know the following.

145
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Occupation and salary,
pastimes and interests,

146
00:06:13,240 --> 00:06:15,560
family and domestic expectations.

147
00:06:15,560 --> 00:06:18,040
Oh, you're very prepared,
aren't you?

148
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I just...

149
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<font color="

150
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Was a carer.

151
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And now I just work in
a charity shop locally.

152
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Is that a salaried position?

153
00:06:29,000 --> 00:06:32,200
No, but I do get first dibs on
every new bag that comes in.

154
00:06:32,200 --> 00:06:33,960
Sorry, what... What was your name?

155
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Norman Jenkins. Pastimes?

156
00:06:36,640 --> 00:06:40,920
<font color="
erm, walks, cooking...

157
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Standard stuff.

158
00:06:42,680 --> 00:06:45,560
Family-wise, I've got
a brother who lives in Canada

159
00:06:45,560 --> 00:06:47,160
but, apart from that,

160
00:06:47,160 --> 00:06:49,320
I'm footloose and fancy-free, so...

161
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Yeah. Hang on, hang on.

162
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"Loose..."

163
00:06:54,440 --> 00:06:55,880
<font color="

164
00:06:55,880 --> 00:06:57,320
Sorry...

165
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..Norman, what did you mean
by "domestic expectations"?

166
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I've recently been cut open
from here to here.

167
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I'm sorry to hear that.

168
00:07:05,880 --> 00:07:08,080
No, don't be sorry.
It saved my life.

169
00:07:08,080 --> 00:07:11,360
<font color="
which regulates my heartbeat

170
00:07:11,360 --> 00:07:13,520
between 60 and 80bpm.

171
00:07:13,520 --> 00:07:18,400
However, my surgeon has warned me
about energetic activities,

172
00:07:18,400 --> 00:07:20,720
including housework and...

173
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..bedroom antics, so my enquiry
about domestic expectations

174
00:07:24,440 --> 00:07:27,520
<font color="

175
00:07:27,520 --> 00:07:30,080
But I think it's a bit soon
to be thinking about...

176
00:07:30,080 --> 00:07:32,600
Suffice to say,
I may not be able to...

177
00:07:32,600 --> 00:07:36,560
..deliver on certain aspects of
what you might be looking for.

178
00:07:36,560 --> 00:07:40,040
That's fine. Erm, thank you
<font color="

179
00:07:40,040 --> 00:07:41,920
I appreciate it.

180
00:07:41,920 --> 00:07:44,400
I... I've had some big,
life-changing stuff

181
00:07:44,400 --> 00:07:46,720
going on myself.

182
00:07:46,720 --> 00:07:48,840
It's nice to talk about it,
isn't it?

183
00:07:48,840 --> 00:07:51,280
I'm not lonely,
if that's what you mean.

184
00:07:51,280 --> 00:07:54,040
<font color="

185
00:07:54,040 --> 00:07:55,600
I am, a bit.

186
00:07:56,960 --> 00:08:01,760
Can I turn the tables now
and interrogate you?

187
00:08:01,760 --> 00:08:04,080
If you wish, yes. It's only fair.

188
00:08:04,080 --> 00:08:07,120
So, Norman, if we were
going to go on a date,

189
00:08:07,120 --> 00:08:08,720
where would you take me?

190
00:08:08,720 --> 00:08:11,680
Oh. Good question. Erm...

191
00:08:11,680 --> 00:08:14,440
<font color="

192
00:08:14,440 --> 00:08:17,840
it would have to be, erm,
Kensington Palace Gardens,

193
00:08:17,840 --> 00:08:19,920
Peter Pan statue.

194
00:08:19,920 --> 00:08:22,960
Mother used to take me
there when I was a boy,

195
00:08:22,960 --> 00:08:24,800
every Sunday, once a month,

196
00:08:24,800 --> 00:08:27,080
before I was returned
to boarding school.

197
00:08:27,080 --> 00:08:29,400
<font color="
with strawberry sauce -

198
00:08:29,400 --> 00:08:31,440
"monkey blood" we used to call it -

199
00:08:31,440 --> 00:08:34,040
and then drop me off
at the station.

200
00:08:34,040 --> 00:08:37,000
And I'd sob my little heart out
all the way back to Surrey.

201
00:08:39,280 --> 00:08:41,400
That's so sad.

202
00:08:41,400 --> 00:08:42,840
Is your mother still with us?

203
00:08:42,840 --> 00:08:45,520
<font color="

204
00:08:45,520 --> 00:08:47,200
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

205
00:08:48,720 --> 00:08:50,880
I lost my mother last year.

206
00:08:52,400 --> 00:08:55,080
It...untethers you, doesn't it?

207
00:08:55,080 --> 00:08:56,920
You...

208
00:08:56,920 --> 00:08:58,320
..lose your bearings.

209
00:09:00,280 --> 00:09:02,880
Do you think that you'd
maybe like to...

210
00:09:02,880 --> 00:09:05,880
..meet for a coffee sometime
<font color="

211
00:09:05,880 --> 00:09:08,160
Certainly not.
You look nothing like her.

212
00:09:08,160 --> 00:09:09,440
SMOOCHY MUSIC

213
00:09:12,160 --> 00:09:13,720
COMPUTER CHIMES

214
00:09:13,720 --> 00:09:16,320
Oh, hello! I'm Manny.

215
00:09:16,320 --> 00:09:18,080
Erm...Vicky.

216
00:09:18,080 --> 00:09:20,440
You look like you've lost
a shilling and found a penny!

217
00:09:20,440 --> 00:09:21,520
Am I that ugly?

218
00:09:21,520 --> 00:09:25,080
<font color="
Sorry, no, I've, erm...

219
00:09:25,080 --> 00:09:28,000
I've just had the rudest man.

220
00:09:28,000 --> 00:09:29,920
There's some nutters on here,
aren't there?

221
00:09:29,920 --> 00:09:31,800
Well, you've only got
to read the papers.

222
00:09:31,800 --> 00:09:33,760
Hey, my last one didn't
go to plan either.

223
00:09:33,760 --> 00:09:37,120
<font color="
there's nobody there.

224
00:09:37,120 --> 00:09:40,160
I just hear this voice off.
"Sorry, I'm having a wee!"

225
00:09:40,160 --> 00:09:41,680
I said, "It's all right, love.

226
00:09:41,680 --> 00:09:43,400
"When you gotta go, you gotta go."

227
00:09:43,400 --> 00:09:45,120
Then she comes out of the toilet,

228
00:09:45,120 --> 00:09:46,720
<font color="

229
00:09:46,720 --> 00:09:48,560
No! I swear down!

230
00:09:48,560 --> 00:09:50,960
I said, "Are you not going to
have a quick look, just in case

231
00:09:50,960 --> 00:09:52,560
"you've got Cary Grant sat here?"

232
00:09:52,560 --> 00:09:54,720
So, she comes over,
puts her glasses on and goes,

233
00:09:54,720 --> 00:09:56,920
"Cary Grant?
<font color="

234
00:09:56,920 --> 00:09:58,240
Then she frigs off again!

235
00:09:58,240 --> 00:10:00,360
SHE LAUGHS

236
00:09:58,240 --> 00:10:00,360
I-I like a cuddly man.

237
00:10:00,360 --> 00:10:03,840
Oh, well, you know, I go up
and down, but it's hard, isn't it?

238
00:10:03,840 --> 00:10:07,640
My last date was after a mother
rather than a partner.

239
00:10:07,640 --> 00:10:09,840
You never know who you're
<font color="

240
00:10:09,840 --> 00:10:11,480
Mm, yeah, true.

241
00:10:13,000 --> 00:10:14,880
You've got lovely eyes.

242
00:10:16,840 --> 00:10:18,640
Thank you.

243
00:10:18,640 --> 00:10:20,480
SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

244
00:10:20,480 --> 00:10:22,200
So, do you work, Vicky?

245
00:10:22,200 --> 00:10:23,840
Yeah, I'm a landscape gardener.

246
00:10:23,840 --> 00:10:26,440
Really? Yeah, I do
designs and planting -

247
00:10:26,440 --> 00:10:28,840
<font color="
the Chelsea Flower Show.

248
00:10:28,840 --> 00:10:30,720
Wow!

249
00:10:28,840 --> 00:10:30,720
HE CHUCKLES

250
00:10:30,720 --> 00:10:33,560
I was going to say something about
a neat bush but I stopped meself.

251
00:10:33,560 --> 00:10:36,040
VICKY STIFLES A LAUGH

252
00:10:33,560 --> 00:10:36,040
"Don't blow it, Manny!"

253
00:10:36,040 --> 00:10:37,720
Oh, it's nice to laugh.

254
00:10:37,720 --> 00:10:39,080
<font color="

255
00:10:39,080 --> 00:10:40,600
Oh, yeah. It's the best medicine.

256
00:10:40,600 --> 00:10:42,880
Even if nothing comes
of these things romantically,

257
00:10:42,880 --> 00:10:45,800
I always try and have a bit
of fun, but that's just me.

258
00:10:45,800 --> 00:10:48,120
You can't go wrong if you're
straight up with people,

259
00:10:48,120 --> 00:10:49,480
<font color="

260
00:10:49,480 --> 00:10:51,440
Be honest. And if they like you,
they like you.

261
00:10:51,440 --> 00:10:53,960
And if they don't, it's four
minutes out your life.

262
00:10:53,960 --> 00:10:56,120
Yeah.

263
00:10:56,120 --> 00:10:57,360
You're right.

264
00:10:58,840 --> 00:11:00,360
I'm not a landscape gardener.

265
00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:02,160
I just said it. I don't know why.

266
00:11:02,160 --> 00:11:04,600
<font color="

267
00:11:04,600 --> 00:11:07,480
Oh, don't be daft,
I'll talk to anyone, me.

268
00:11:07,480 --> 00:11:09,280
Well, you're not
a traffic warden, are you?

269
00:11:09,280 --> 00:11:12,160
BOTH LAUGH

270
00:11:09,280 --> 00:11:12,160
No. No, I'm...

271
00:11:12,160 --> 00:11:13,880
I'm nothing.

272
00:11:13,880 --> 00:11:15,920
Anyway, what do you do?

273
00:11:15,920 --> 00:11:18,840
I, Vicky, run a premium
<font color="

274
00:11:18,840 --> 00:11:20,600
to solve their Rubik's Cubes.

275
00:11:20,600 --> 00:11:22,160
Honestly? Swear down.

276
00:11:22,160 --> 00:11:24,400
People ring up.
They've got three sides done.

277
00:11:24,400 --> 00:11:26,000
They want to know how to progress.

278
00:11:26,000 --> 00:11:28,840
Occasionally, I get the speed
cubers phoning up with a DNF.

279
00:11:28,840 --> 00:11:31,000
<font color="

280
00:11:31,000 --> 00:11:33,960
But, mainly, it's just taking
Muggles through to self-completion

281
00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:35,400
using the Fridrich method -

282
00:11:35,400 --> 00:11:37,760
you know, starting
with your basic white cross,

283
00:11:37,760 --> 00:11:40,320
then inserting pairs of corners
using OLL - sorry,

284
00:11:40,320 --> 00:11:42,520
<font color="

285
00:11:40,320 --> 00:11:42,520
HE CHUCKLES

286
00:11:42,520 --> 00:11:44,480
I do go a bit geeky
when I get on the subject.

287
00:11:44,480 --> 00:11:46,120
No, it sounds fascinating.

288
00:11:46,120 --> 00:11:47,920
And, erm, how long are you on for?

289
00:11:47,920 --> 00:11:50,200
Average call time is 17 minutes.

290
00:11:50,200 --> 00:11:52,440
£1 a minute. You do the maths.

291
00:11:52,440 --> 00:11:53,800
£17.

292
00:11:53,800 --> 00:11:56,200
<font color="
your internationals -

293
00:11:56,200 --> 00:11:58,040
your Chineses, your Thais...

294
00:11:58,040 --> 00:12:00,600
I only need to do 3-4 calls a day
and I'm laughing.

295
00:12:00,600 --> 00:12:01,960
Sounds perfect.

296
00:12:01,960 --> 00:12:04,200
Well, it is. You see,
I want to franchise it,

297
00:12:04,200 --> 00:12:06,000
get it on Dragons' Den.

298
00:12:06,000 --> 00:12:08,520
<font color="
Trunki or Tangle Teezer,

299
00:12:08,520 --> 00:12:10,360
but I just don't think
they'd get it!

300
00:12:10,360 --> 00:12:13,240
Well, the new lad they've got on -
Steven - he might.

301
00:12:13,240 --> 00:12:15,480
You've got to get it
on social media.

302
00:12:15,480 --> 00:12:18,160
You can get everything on
<font color="

303
00:12:18,160 --> 00:12:19,760
You can.

304
00:12:19,760 --> 00:12:21,880
Including someone
to have a bit of fun with.

305
00:12:25,360 --> 00:12:27,040
SHE CHUCKLES

306
00:12:27,040 --> 00:12:29,200
I wish I had a hobby

307
00:12:29,200 --> 00:12:30,600
that I could turn into a job.

308
00:12:30,600 --> 00:12:32,280
Oh, it's the best.

309
00:12:32,280 --> 00:12:34,440
But it does make it hard
<font color="

310
00:12:34,440 --> 00:12:35,800
WOMAN: Manny!

311
00:12:35,800 --> 00:12:37,480
Have you seen the key to the shed?

312
00:12:37,480 --> 00:12:39,560
I want to get the kids' bikes
out for the morning.

313
00:12:39,560 --> 00:12:41,160
Yeah, I'll be down in a bit, love.

314
00:12:43,560 --> 00:12:45,360
Who's this? No-one.

315
00:12:45,360 --> 00:12:46,880
It's just one of me cubers.

316
00:12:48,120 --> 00:12:50,360
<font color="

317
00:12:50,360 --> 00:12:51,840
You're doing it again, aren't you?

318
00:12:51,840 --> 00:12:53,560
No! Listen!

319
00:12:53,560 --> 00:12:55,240
He's married, you sad cow!

320
00:12:55,240 --> 00:12:56,600
Sorry, I didn't know, I...

321
00:12:56,600 --> 00:12:58,640
Keep your desperate,
clammy hands off.

322
00:12:58,640 --> 00:13:01,440
If I catch you sniffing round again,
<font color="

323
00:13:01,440 --> 00:13:03,280
and I'll break your ribs!
Do you hear me?

324
00:13:03,280 --> 00:13:05,320
I've done it before. She has.

325
00:13:05,320 --> 00:13:08,240
Piss off and get your own man,
bitch!

326
00:13:08,240 --> 00:13:09,920
SMOOCHY MUSIC

327
00:13:14,160 --> 00:13:17,120
Oh, I'm really glad you came.
Come in.

328
00:13:18,760 --> 00:13:21,560
<font color="

329
00:13:21,560 --> 00:13:23,520
It's a...

330
00:13:23,520 --> 00:13:26,000
..bit of Dutch courage, I suppose.

331
00:13:26,000 --> 00:13:28,040
Er, come in, sit down.
I'll pour us a glass.

332
00:13:38,720 --> 00:13:40,440
WOMAN: Hello?

333
00:13:41,560 --> 00:13:42,920
Hello?

334
00:13:44,120 --> 00:13:46,760
Oh, hello! Who have we got here?

335
00:13:48,360 --> 00:13:50,280
Oh, hi. Erm...

336
00:13:50,280 --> 00:13:53,040
<font color="
It's been happening all night.

337
00:13:53,040 --> 00:13:55,200
I think they've put me
on the wrong track

338
00:13:55,200 --> 00:13:57,240
because of my name - Lesley.

339
00:13:57,240 --> 00:14:00,600
It's one of those
bi...polar names, isn't it?

340
00:14:00,600 --> 00:14:03,800
Although it shouldn't be
a problem in this day and age,

341
00:14:03,800 --> 00:14:06,320
<font color="
of the gender fluids.

342
00:14:06,320 --> 00:14:07,600
I suppose so, yeah.

343
00:14:07,600 --> 00:14:08,880
Anyway, I'm not a lesbian.

344
00:14:08,880 --> 00:14:11,240
I'm not even bi...curious.

345
00:14:11,240 --> 00:14:14,560
SHE LAUGHS
I can't imagine anything worse.

346
00:14:14,560 --> 00:14:16,680
What's your name, lovey?

347
00:14:16,680 --> 00:14:19,160
Vicky. Aw. Vicky.

348
00:14:19,160 --> 00:14:22,240
<font color="

349
00:14:22,240 --> 00:14:23,680
V-I-C-K-Y.

350
00:14:23,680 --> 00:14:25,600
..C-K-Y.

351
00:14:25,600 --> 00:14:26,960
Lovely.

352
00:14:26,960 --> 00:14:29,160
And do you go by Vicky, or Victoria?

353
00:14:29,160 --> 00:14:31,640
Er, Vicky, mainly.
Victoria's a bit...

354
00:14:31,640 --> 00:14:33,680
Old-fashioned, yes. I agree.

355
00:14:33,680 --> 00:14:37,720
Although I do have a friend
<font color="

356
00:14:37,720 --> 00:14:41,400
and she's got tattoos and
a labia ring, so go figure!

357
00:14:41,400 --> 00:14:45,080
SHE LAUGHS

358
00:14:41,400 --> 00:14:45,080
So, now...tell me, Vic,

359
00:14:45,080 --> 00:14:49,600
have you seen anyone who's
Mr Right out there,

360
00:14:49,600 --> 00:14:51,240
or are they all a bit...?

361
00:14:51,240 --> 00:14:53,680
Mr Lefts, as my mother used to say.

362
00:14:53,680 --> 00:14:55,000
<font color="

363
00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:57,160
"Mr Lefts". I like that.

364
00:14:57,160 --> 00:14:58,640
No, erm...

365
00:14:58,640 --> 00:15:01,440
Yeah, I've found a couple
of potentials maybe,

366
00:15:01,440 --> 00:15:03,640
but no-one's really
jumped out at me.

367
00:15:03,640 --> 00:15:05,080
Oh, well, I should hope not -

368
00:15:05,080 --> 00:15:07,840
I mean, that's the beauty
about being online.

369
00:15:07,840 --> 00:15:09,920
<font color="

370
00:15:09,920 --> 00:15:12,840
Did you hear they found
another body this morning?

371
00:15:14,200 --> 00:15:16,240
Ring finger chopped off.

372
00:15:16,240 --> 00:15:18,920
SHE GASPS

373
00:15:16,240 --> 00:15:18,920
It's terrible.

374
00:15:18,920 --> 00:15:21,280
You could be talking
to the Lonely Hearts Killer.

375
00:15:21,280 --> 00:15:23,120
Oh, don't say that.

376
00:15:23,120 --> 00:15:25,480
Well, you can't trust
<font color="

377
00:15:25,480 --> 00:15:27,800
I must tell you, though, Vic,

378
00:15:27,800 --> 00:15:30,640
I've been laughing with
some of my other ladies

379
00:15:30,640 --> 00:15:33,680
about the descriptions
that the guys give themselves,

380
00:15:33,680 --> 00:15:35,480
compared to what they
really look like.

381
00:15:35,480 --> 00:15:36,800
Do you know what I mean?

382
00:15:36,800 --> 00:15:40,360
<font color="
himself as Cary Grant.

383
00:15:40,360 --> 00:15:42,320
I thought,
"More like Russell Grant."

384
00:15:42,320 --> 00:15:44,800
SHE LAUGHS

385
00:15:42,320 --> 00:15:44,800
Priceless!

386
00:15:44,800 --> 00:15:47,040
Mind you, we're just as bad,
aren't we?

387
00:15:47,040 --> 00:15:51,840
I mean, you know, we say, er,
"bubbly" when we mean fat,

388
00:15:51,840 --> 00:15:54,720
<font color="

389
00:15:54,720 --> 00:15:57,320
"Lives life to the full" -
ie, raging alcoholic.

390
00:15:57,320 --> 00:15:58,520
SHE LAUGHS

391
00:15:58,520 --> 00:16:00,320
Or my favourite...

392
00:16:00,320 --> 00:16:02,520
.."footloose and fancy-free" -

393
00:16:02,520 --> 00:16:05,400
meaning a totally empty existence.

394
00:16:05,400 --> 00:16:07,080
SHE LAUGHS

395
00:16:07,080 --> 00:16:09,840
Now, what's your status
<font color="

396
00:16:09,840 --> 00:16:11,560
Divorced, single,

397
00:16:11,560 --> 00:16:14,040
or are you married, looking for
a bit of fun on the side?

398
00:16:14,040 --> 00:16:16,640
No. Erm, I've just never
really found the time

399
00:16:16,640 --> 00:16:18,360
for a serious relationship.

400
00:16:18,360 --> 00:16:21,080
Ah, you're a career woman, like me.

401
00:16:21,080 --> 00:16:23,720
No, not really. I just, erm...

402
00:16:25,280 --> 00:16:27,840
<font color="
if I did find a man,

403
00:16:27,840 --> 00:16:30,440
he'd have to share me with my mum.

404
00:16:30,440 --> 00:16:31,840
Sounds kinky.

405
00:16:31,840 --> 00:16:34,920
No, no, not like that.
It's just, up until recently,

406
00:16:34,920 --> 00:16:37,920
I've had to put her needs first.

407
00:16:37,920 --> 00:16:40,520
My dad walked out
when we were little,

408
00:16:40,520 --> 00:16:42,200
<font color="

409
00:16:42,200 --> 00:16:44,720
and that was my life...

410
00:16:44,720 --> 00:16:47,200
..through my fingers
before I knew it.

411
00:16:47,200 --> 00:16:48,880
Aw...

412
00:16:50,160 --> 00:16:53,680
So, you found solace in food.

413
00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:55,520
No, not really.

414
00:16:55,520 --> 00:17:00,200
Oh, we're so hard on ourselves
sometimes, aren't we, Vic?

415
00:17:00,200 --> 00:17:03,880
<font color="
of clothing have you got

416
00:17:03,880 --> 00:17:06,280
that you can no longer get into?

417
00:17:06,280 --> 00:17:08,400
Oh...

418
00:17:06,280 --> 00:17:08,400
SHE CHUCKLES

419
00:17:08,400 --> 00:17:10,760
One to five, five to ten,
or 11 and over?

420
00:17:11,960 --> 00:17:13,920
Five to ten probably, if I...

421
00:17:13,920 --> 00:17:17,840
Good. And, sometimes, Vic...

422
00:17:17,840 --> 00:17:20,600
<font color="
the bath of an evening,

423
00:17:20,600 --> 00:17:23,640
I glance in the mirror
and I think to myself,

424
00:17:23,640 --> 00:17:27,640
"What three words would I use
to describe my body shape?"

425
00:17:27,640 --> 00:17:29,680
Do you ever think that?

426
00:17:29,680 --> 00:17:32,640
And if so, what would they be?

427
00:17:32,640 --> 00:17:35,400
<font color="
Take your time.

428
00:17:35,400 --> 00:17:36,880
We've still got a minute left.

429
00:17:36,880 --> 00:17:38,280
Sorry, what is this? What?

430
00:17:38,280 --> 00:17:40,520
Why are you writing everything down?

431
00:17:40,520 --> 00:17:44,520
Vicky, what if I were to tell you

432
00:17:44,520 --> 00:17:47,760
that there is a
brand-new miracle product

433
00:17:47,760 --> 00:17:50,200
<font color="
launch in the UK?

434
00:17:50,200 --> 00:17:53,960
It's a supplement, it's not food
replacement, and I can...

435
00:17:53,960 --> 00:17:57,800
So, what, are you just trying
to sign me up for a diet plan?

436
00:17:57,800 --> 00:18:00,240
Oh, no, we don't call it a
diet plan. No, no, no, no.

437
00:18:00,240 --> 00:18:02,600
<font color="

438
00:18:02,600 --> 00:18:04,000
Have you got an email address?

439
00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:05,320
No!

440
00:18:05,320 --> 00:18:07,760
Yes. But I'm not going
to give it to you.

441
00:18:07,760 --> 00:18:10,360
Why not, lovey?
Because you've tricked me.

442
00:18:10,360 --> 00:18:13,240
I bet you deliberately put yourself
down as a man, didn't you?

443
00:18:13,240 --> 00:18:15,320
<font color="

444
00:18:15,320 --> 00:18:18,520
I mean, where else am I going
to find an endless supply

445
00:18:18,520 --> 00:18:20,040
of ladies like you?

446
00:18:20,040 --> 00:18:22,240
What do you mean, ladies like me?

447
00:18:22,240 --> 00:18:23,560
Bubbly.

448
00:18:24,880 --> 00:18:27,720
Now, I really do need your
email so that I can...

449
00:18:27,720 --> 00:18:29,480
Fuck off!

450
00:18:27,720 --> 00:18:29,480
<font color="

451
00:18:34,480 --> 00:18:35,920
COMPUTER CHIMES

452
00:18:40,160 --> 00:18:41,440
Hiya.

453
00:18:42,600 --> 00:18:44,160
Is that supposed to be funny?

454
00:18:45,360 --> 00:18:47,880
No, I'm really sorry.
Erm, I've been trying to fix this

455
00:18:47,880 --> 00:18:49,600
for the past half an hour.

456
00:18:49,600 --> 00:18:53,920
I, erm, let my kids use my phone
to watch LazyTown on CBeebies,

457
00:18:53,920 --> 00:18:56,240
<font color="
ha...

458
00:18:57,600 --> 00:18:59,120
At least I'm not a turd.

459
00:18:59,120 --> 00:19:00,240
Ha...

460
00:19:01,440 --> 00:19:03,760
There's one that's a turd.

461
00:19:03,760 --> 00:19:05,280
Sorry.

462
00:19:06,520 --> 00:19:09,240
I can keep fidgeting with my phone
to try and turn this off,

463
00:19:09,240 --> 00:19:12,720
or I can focus
on talking to you properly?

464
00:19:12,720 --> 00:19:15,080
<font color="

465
00:19:15,080 --> 00:19:17,520
and save yourself four minutes.
I wouldn't blame you.

466
00:19:17,520 --> 00:19:20,320
Do you know what? It's fine.
I'm not doing anything else.

467
00:19:21,840 --> 00:19:24,360
Can I ask your name?
I'd rather not say.

468
00:19:24,360 --> 00:19:25,880
Yeah, OK, I'm sorry.

469
00:19:25,880 --> 00:19:27,880
D-Don't keep saying sorry,

470
00:19:27,880 --> 00:19:29,800
<font color="

471
00:19:29,800 --> 00:19:31,520
What have you got to be sorry for?

472
00:19:31,520 --> 00:19:34,720
Oh. Daring to exist,
according to most people on here.

473
00:19:34,720 --> 00:19:36,960
Yeah. Not easy, is it?

474
00:19:36,960 --> 00:19:40,440
Being gazed at and picked over
by half a dozen strangers.

475
00:19:40,440 --> 00:19:44,560
I've never done this before,
<font color="

476
00:19:44,560 --> 00:19:47,800
Why not? It's just too painful.

477
00:19:47,800 --> 00:19:50,560
Confirms all the worst things
that I think about myself.

478
00:19:52,440 --> 00:19:54,080
Well, d-don't be like that.

479
00:19:54,080 --> 00:19:56,360
I-I'm sure there's somebody
out there for you.

480
00:19:57,480 --> 00:19:59,160
Are you a man or a mouse?

481
00:19:59,160 --> 00:20:00,760
<font color="

482
00:20:00,760 --> 00:20:03,320
THEY CHUCKLE

483
00:20:00,760 --> 00:20:03,320
Sorry.

484
00:20:03,320 --> 00:20:05,400
Fair enough.

485
00:20:03,320 --> 00:20:05,400
BOTH LAUGH

486
00:20:06,800 --> 00:20:08,880
It's...

487
00:20:08,880 --> 00:20:10,400
Cheers to us, anyway.

488
00:20:10,400 --> 00:20:12,320
To us. Cheers.

489
00:20:18,840 --> 00:20:20,240
HE SIGHS DEEPLY

490
00:20:22,240 --> 00:20:25,160
My name's Vicky, by the way.

491
00:20:25,160 --> 00:20:26,640
Jai, by the way.

492
00:20:27,800 --> 00:20:29,720
<font color="

493
00:20:29,720 --> 00:20:31,520
11 and 12.

494
00:20:31,520 --> 00:20:33,440
And they still watch CBeebies?

495
00:20:33,440 --> 00:20:35,160
Yeah.

496
00:20:35,160 --> 00:20:37,240
What are their names?

497
00:20:37,240 --> 00:20:39,920
Er, Sally and Lindsay.

498
00:20:39,920 --> 00:20:42,080
Like the actress?

499
00:20:42,080 --> 00:20:43,520
I suppose, yeah.

500
00:20:45,000 --> 00:20:46,680
I...

501
00:20:46,680 --> 00:20:49,200
..used to sit my mum in
<font color="

502
00:20:49,200 --> 00:20:52,040
She liked the colours. So...

503
00:20:52,040 --> 00:20:56,000
..I know that LazyTown hasn't
been on for...ten years.

504
00:20:58,080 --> 00:21:00,520
You put that filter
on yourself, didn't you?

505
00:21:05,400 --> 00:21:06,920
I don't have kids.

506
00:21:06,920 --> 00:21:09,720
Erm...the thing is, Vicky,
I've...I've got this...

507
00:21:09,720 --> 00:21:10,760
<font color="

508
00:21:10,760 --> 00:21:13,360
When you took a drink, I saw.

509
00:21:13,360 --> 00:21:16,440
Why don't you just turn it off,
and we can talk properly?

510
00:21:17,960 --> 00:21:19,600
Yeah? Mm.

511
00:21:25,880 --> 00:21:28,040
That's better.

512
00:21:28,040 --> 00:21:29,400
HE SIGHS

513
00:21:29,400 --> 00:21:32,000
So...tonight's been
a bit of a wash-out, has it?

514
00:21:32,000 --> 00:21:34,400
<font color="

515
00:21:34,400 --> 00:21:36,160
Up till now, anyway.

516
00:21:39,040 --> 00:21:42,280
I don't get to meet many women IRL.

517
00:21:42,280 --> 00:21:45,320
It's quite hard to put up
with the stares and...

518
00:21:45,320 --> 00:21:48,520
Oh, tell me about it. I live on
the top floor with no lift.

519
00:21:48,520 --> 00:21:50,920
No, I mean, the...
No, I know what you meant.

520
00:21:50,920 --> 00:21:53,800
<font color="

521
00:21:50,920 --> 00:21:53,800
THEY CHUCKLE

522
00:21:53,800 --> 00:21:56,000
You've got bants, Vicky's got bants.

523
00:21:56,000 --> 00:21:57,840
SHE LAUGHS

524
00:21:59,480 --> 00:22:02,680
No, people react
in different ways. Erm...

525
00:22:02,680 --> 00:22:05,280
..I'm either the Invisible Man,
or the Elephant Man.

526
00:22:07,040 --> 00:22:11,840
They either can't stop looking
<font color="

527
00:22:11,840 --> 00:22:14,000
Oh, that must be hard.

528
00:22:14,000 --> 00:22:16,200
I get overlooked as well.

529
00:22:16,200 --> 00:22:18,040
No man, no job,

530
00:22:18,040 --> 00:22:20,800
unless you count being a carer,
which most people don't.

531
00:22:23,000 --> 00:22:27,080
So, this is me finally coming
out into the world, like, erm,

532
00:22:27,080 --> 00:22:29,160
<font color="

533
00:22:29,160 --> 00:22:31,920
except no-one wants to smell me.
SHE CHUCKLES

534
00:22:31,920 --> 00:22:33,320
I do.

535
00:22:35,400 --> 00:22:37,560
Sorry, I meant...
That sounded weird. I mean...

536
00:22:37,560 --> 00:22:39,600
Oh, we've got 20 seconds left.

537
00:22:39,600 --> 00:22:42,760
Wh-What can you say in 20 seconds?
Bark! OK. Is...is...

538
00:22:42,760 --> 00:22:44,000
<font color="

539
00:22:44,000 --> 00:22:46,360
BOTH LAUGH

540
00:22:46,360 --> 00:22:48,200
Check this out!

541
00:22:48,200 --> 00:22:50,120
SHE LAUGHS

542
00:22:50,120 --> 00:22:52,360
Hope you've got a good memory,
Vicky!

543
00:22:52,360 --> 00:22:54,280
Wait.

544
00:22:52,360 --> 00:22:54,280
PAPER RUSTLES

545
00:22:54,280 --> 00:22:56,280
SCRIBBLES

546
00:22:56,280 --> 00:22:59,080
SMOOCHY MUSIC

547
00:22:59,080 --> 00:23:00,400
SHE LAUGHS

548
00:23:07,320 --> 00:23:09,520
<font color="

549
00:23:09,520 --> 00:23:11,520
I hope that's OK.

550
00:23:11,520 --> 00:23:14,880
Just with some salad
and a bit of garlic bread.

551
00:23:14,880 --> 00:23:17,760
It's been nice having someone
to cook for.

552
00:23:17,760 --> 00:23:20,040
Mum always wanted tinned stuff,

553
00:23:20,040 --> 00:23:22,800
and it became quite boring
after a while.

554
00:23:26,360 --> 00:23:28,280
<font color="

555
00:23:28,280 --> 00:23:29,880
It's nice to see you in the flesh.

556
00:23:31,160 --> 00:23:32,840
Here's to no more masks.

557
00:23:32,840 --> 00:23:34,280
No more masks.

558
00:23:37,560 --> 00:23:41,200
So, erm, how's Sally and Lindsay?

559
00:23:41,200 --> 00:23:44,200
Oh, yeah, they're tucked up
in bed watching LazyTown.

560
00:23:44,200 --> 00:23:45,520
BOTH LAUGH

561
00:23:45,520 --> 00:23:47,360
I'm glad to hear it.
<font color="

562
00:23:47,360 --> 00:23:48,560
Yes, please, thank you.

563
00:23:50,840 --> 00:23:53,960
So, er, have you been
working today?

564
00:23:53,960 --> 00:23:55,720
Cos I never asked you what you did.

565
00:23:55,720 --> 00:23:58,760
Yeah. So, er, I'm
in investments, so, er...

566
00:23:58,760 --> 00:24:00,520
..buying, trading, selling.

567
00:24:00,520 --> 00:24:02,440
I'm actually going to get
<font color="

568
00:24:02,440 --> 00:24:04,000
so I'm just running the numbers.

569
00:24:04,000 --> 00:24:06,760
That sounds exciting.
Yeah, it is really exciting.

570
00:24:06,760 --> 00:24:08,280
Yeah.

571
00:24:08,280 --> 00:24:10,480
That's an interesting dress
you're wearing.

572
00:24:10,480 --> 00:24:13,800
You're the third person
I've seen wearing it this week.

573
00:24:13,800 --> 00:24:16,040
<font color="

574
00:24:16,040 --> 00:24:19,240
Must be on sale or, like, at one of
them charity shops, or something.

575
00:24:20,560 --> 00:24:23,000
No. It's...quite old.

576
00:24:24,200 --> 00:24:26,240
It used to be one of my mum's,
I think.

577
00:24:26,240 --> 00:24:27,600
What makes you say that?

578
00:24:28,880 --> 00:24:30,360
I've got you a present.

579
00:24:38,640 --> 00:24:40,920
It's a mouse.

580
00:24:40,920 --> 00:24:43,160
<font color="

581
00:24:43,160 --> 00:24:45,480
Oh, that... That's lovely.

582
00:24:45,480 --> 00:24:47,600
Can I put it on you?

583
00:24:47,600 --> 00:24:49,800
Is...yeah.

584
00:24:49,800 --> 00:24:51,200
OK. Yeah?

585
00:24:53,800 --> 00:24:55,920
Would you turn around?

586
00:24:55,920 --> 00:24:57,240
BOTH CHUCKLE QUIETLY

587
00:25:02,600 --> 00:25:05,080
HE SNIFFS

588
00:25:05,080 --> 00:25:07,320
I can smell you now.

589
00:25:07,320 --> 00:25:09,760
<font color="

590
00:25:09,760 --> 00:25:10,960
That looks nice.

591
00:25:12,680 --> 00:25:14,960
QUIETLY: Yes...
Just going to get some crisps.

592
00:25:17,360 --> 00:25:19,480
You seem nervous, Vicky.

593
00:25:19,480 --> 00:25:21,480
Do I make you nervous? No.

594
00:25:22,800 --> 00:25:24,560
Erm...

595
00:25:24,560 --> 00:25:26,920
Well, as I said,
I've not been on many dates,

596
00:25:26,920 --> 00:25:29,560
<font color="
her condition.

597
00:25:29,560 --> 00:25:33,480
But...can't be going out for
a romantic meal for two.

598
00:25:33,480 --> 00:25:36,240
It's easy when your mum's bag needs
emptying every four hours.

599
00:25:36,240 --> 00:25:37,720
Sounds draining.

600
00:25:37,720 --> 00:25:40,600
It was, literally.

601
00:25:40,600 --> 00:25:43,120
But she's passed, and so now

602
00:25:43,120 --> 00:25:45,320
<font color="

603
00:25:45,320 --> 00:25:47,600
so...every cloud.

604
00:25:49,720 --> 00:25:51,280
Do you still have your mother?

605
00:25:51,280 --> 00:25:54,320
How do you mean?
Is she still alive?

606
00:25:54,320 --> 00:25:56,400
Yeah, I think so.

607
00:25:56,400 --> 00:25:59,280
I don't think we ever really get...

608
00:25:59,280 --> 00:26:00,920
What are you doing? Stop!

609
00:26:00,920 --> 00:26:03,640
Sorry. Sorry!
<font color="

610
00:26:03,640 --> 00:26:05,560
Yeah, I know. I'm sorry.

611
00:26:05,560 --> 00:26:08,400
I thought I could skip a few steps,
and it would still be fine...

612
00:26:08,400 --> 00:26:10,040
What do you mean, steps?

613
00:26:08,400 --> 00:26:10,040
HE SIGHS

614
00:26:10,040 --> 00:26:12,680
All right, Vicky, I'm going to
level with you, I've...

615
00:26:12,680 --> 00:26:15,440
<font color="
the next step with women,

616
00:26:15,440 --> 00:26:18,320
kind of, bedroom-wise, so...

617
00:26:18,320 --> 00:26:20,440
..I did a pick-up course.
Course?

618
00:26:20,440 --> 00:26:21,960
Yeah, it gives you structure,

619
00:26:21,960 --> 00:26:24,000
tells you to demonstrate
higher value -

620
00:26:24,000 --> 00:26:26,320
that's why I was, like,
<font color="

621
00:26:26,320 --> 00:26:28,240
And then, it tells you to
throw in the odd neg.

622
00:26:28,240 --> 00:26:29,720
Sor...what's a neg?

623
00:26:29,720 --> 00:26:31,760
You know, like when I said
your dress was shit.

624
00:26:31,760 --> 00:26:34,400
That was to make you, like,
like me more, or something.

625
00:26:34,400 --> 00:26:38,000
I don't know why. I went to
<font color="

626
00:26:38,000 --> 00:26:39,440
Oh.

627
00:26:40,800 --> 00:26:42,840
That's... That's very disappointing.

628
00:26:44,400 --> 00:26:46,840
I think you've
let yourself down, Jai.

629
00:26:46,840 --> 00:26:48,600
HE SIGHS

630
00:26:48,600 --> 00:26:50,520
So, I've wasted my money
on these, then?

631
00:26:51,600 --> 00:26:54,360
And the wine. Fuck's sake!

632
00:26:54,360 --> 00:26:57,360
<font color="

633
00:26:57,360 --> 00:26:58,560
TIMER OFF

634
00:27:02,320 --> 00:27:04,160
I think I'm just going to, er...

635
00:27:05,640 --> 00:27:07,120
I'll set the table.

636
00:27:09,560 --> 00:27:11,840
HE SIGHS

637
00:27:09,560 --> 00:27:11,840
I'm not being funny, Vicky,

638
00:27:11,840 --> 00:27:13,360
but I don't even want the lasagne.

639
00:27:13,360 --> 00:27:15,760
It's not what I came here for,
you know what I mean?

640
00:27:17,280 --> 00:27:21,440
<font color="
even thinking of going on dates

641
00:27:21,440 --> 00:27:25,040
at the minute, what with all
this stuff in the news.

642
00:27:25,040 --> 00:27:29,200
They must be either very brave
or very stupid.

643
00:27:29,200 --> 00:27:30,600
Are you negging ME now?

644
00:27:30,600 --> 00:27:33,560
No, no, it's just, er,
an observation...

645
00:27:46,280 --> 00:27:48,240
<font color="

646
00:27:50,120 --> 00:27:51,680
I hate that name.

647
00:27:54,840 --> 00:27:57,000
Cos it makes me sound
like a victim.

648
00:27:58,400 --> 00:27:59,520
And that's not me.

649
00:28:01,480 --> 00:28:03,800
And I refuse to end up
like my mother.

650
00:28:03,800 --> 00:28:05,440
Oh, God...

651
00:28:05,440 --> 00:28:08,280
There's so many nasty men out there.

652
00:28:10,720 --> 00:28:13,720
<font color="

653
00:28:13,720 --> 00:28:17,200
..I've found about dating
sites like these.

654
00:28:17,200 --> 00:28:19,520
If a person's not good
enough for you...

655
00:28:25,560 --> 00:28:28,720
..just...swipe left.

656
00:28:28,720 --> 00:28:30,920
SMOOCHY MUSIC

657
00:28:30,920 --> 00:28:31,960
SHE SIGHS